I am a runner. Not for exercise, (I hate running for exercise and unashamedly admit that) but from people, places, and situations. I can’t stay anywhere for too long and I always find a reason to make a move to something new. This correlates to my general attention span that seems to have been stunted at age two; but also related to my extreme anxiety of being committed, which in my mind correlates to being stuck. If I am always on the move, new environments new friends, I will never have to be invested and, in the past, this is how I’ve operated.
Recently, a college friend from N.C. asked me when I got into yoga (a physical pursuit I’ve really come to know and love this year). I replied, “I’ve gotten into a lot of things in Utah.” Then I started to think of all the new “things I’ve gotten into,” and it hit me, I’ve actually invested myself this year; in the people around me, in this city, in things that correlate to life in Utah. For the first time, I feel settled and have zero desire to run. As soon as I realized this, terror flooded my brain. I know it seems crazy that being content is scary, but it’s probably one of my biggest fears, not having somewhere next to go or do.
There’s a lot of weight carried with being settled, being invested somewhere. I’m so used to keeping things superficial so when I run away my absence isn’t too heavy for the people and places I left. For the first time I’m wrestling with the idea of my presence here in Utah carrying weight and the responsibility that comes with it.
Another important thing to note about me is that I am very 0% or 100% about everything I do, I absolutely have no middle ground, and I can go from 0 to 100 or back down insanely quick and it makes me seem like the craziest, scattered human. All that to say, as 100% as I’ve been about living in Utah and as 100% as I currently am about “living here forever and never leaving” as everyone who currently knows me has heard me say, I’m very terrified that something is going to happen and I’m going to hit 0% randomly sometime down the road and want to run away and it won’t be easy because of the investment I’ve made, so in a way I’m scared of the unknown and mostly myself.
All in all, there’s a lot going on in my ever-racing mind right now as the Fellows program comes to a close and I prepare to stay in Salt Lake City for another year, figuring out the details of housing, career, etc. But the change and the preparation has brought and is continuing to bring so much reflection and that’s good too.
Salt Lake Fellows Collaborative